Senora Parnell, luz de mi vida, te adoro.

This semester I enrolled in a class aptly named Global History. Historia de Mundial. Que fresca! It was something I needed to get out of the way in regards to my general ed requirements, and it sounded half-way interesting. With a title such as "Global History" one would assume that the class focused on cultures around the world and their impact on western civilization. As a matter of fact, I'm almost positive that was listed under the "Course Objectives" on the syllabus. Que insensato fui!

The first day of class our instructor, a woman of slight stature with large gums and frizzy hair, swept into the room and with a toothy grin insisted that we call her "Tami."

"Darlings! Mrs. Parnell is my mother! I'm not dead yet!"

She immediately jumped into a lengthy description of her summer vacation rife with misfortune (the death of her cat), her bout of depression (as a result of the death of her cat), her highs (playing Playstation), and loneliness (she lives by herself in a cabin in the woods).

She then proceeded to tell us how this Global History class "isn't like the other ones" and that we would be dealing with "serious subjects" such as Atlantis, 2012, aliens, and discovering our personal energies.

I have come to the conclusion that she is certifiably crazy. Like, really, really nuts. Her values in life come from New Age trash found in paperback novels and it's quite obvious that there is not a skeptical bone in her body. Everything is taken at face value. What's scary is that she's trying to pass it off as academia. Since the second day of class I have jotted down things she has said. They are as follows:

"I thoroughly believe that each one of us sitting in this classroom in a reincarnation of someone who perished in Atlantis."

"It's a proven fact that the members of Atlantis built the first pyramids. Egyptians were simply copycats."

"Never try self-imposed hypnosis. Trust me."

"I think UFOs are humans in the future coming back to steer us in the right direction."

"Dinosaurs were using up all the energy when they roamed the earth, so after they became extinct that energy was used to create six billion people."

"Praying is the same thing as believing in fairys."

Today was an especially exciting day. At the beginning of class she mentioned that she has been to an accupuncturist two times a month for the last ten years. Her first experience, as she recalled, allowed her to rid herself of all the evil energy and bad memories stored up inside her body for the last forty years.

"Afterwards, I couldn't sleep for thirty days!"

At this point her eyes were wild.

"It was like I was in a strange dream state where I was watching my entire life on a video camera! Insomnia, I tell you! It plagued me! During those thirty days I also suffered from a terrible rash that ran the length of my body. The Chinese healer said it was the negative spirits draining from my limbs!"

A boy in the back of the class laughed.

She stopped dead in her tracks. The look that shot from her eyes was evidence that every shred of evil had not been destroyed.

"Excuse me? Is something funny?"

The kid looked around and said, "I mean, no offense. A lot of this stuff sounds like pseudoscience. I just have a difficult time believing what you're saying. That rash was probably an infection from the needles he used."

Here is where things got awkward.

She stared him down, clenched and unclenched her fists, and walked slowly back to her podium. Tami opened her book and started the lesson with another question.

"Does anybody know what a snake handler is? You in the back. Mr. Pseudoscience. Can you tell me what a snake handler is?"

Her voice was entirely too strained. Her face was entirely too red.

"Someone who works at a zoo?"

A few giggles slipped from the mouths of the girls around him.

And this is where everything came to a final explosion. It was such a beautiful, beautiful explosion.

"OH, LOOK WHO WE HAVE HERE, CLASS! A GENUINE, GRADE A, SMART ASS! I SIMPLY LOVE THE SMART ASSES! BECAUSE GOD KNOWS IT'S TOO HARD TO BELIEVE IN SPIRITUAL HEALING! GOD KNOWS NOBODY CAN BE HAPPY FOR ME!"